mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
