please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
