On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
