Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Randomize