He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
