I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
