i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
