did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
