Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
