A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wish I only lived at night.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
