i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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