i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
