And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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