I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
