He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
