I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Is it because I queefed?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
