yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
