Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
