I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
