just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
