Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
