Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
