I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
