Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
