He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
