I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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