There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
