we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
