My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
