I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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