Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
