Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
