Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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