so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
