whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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