If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
