did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
