I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
