You're completely useless in the revolution.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
