You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
