I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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