He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
