Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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