i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize