Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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