You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
