can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize