My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
