A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
