DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
