Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Watching her eat just hurts me
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
