Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
