new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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