And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
