He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
and i looked up. we had an audience...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
