im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
